I can still remember the first weekend I had returned from my 30-day inpatient rehab center, and you know what I did? I went to my local dive bar. No, I did not drink – but a prime example of how I did not understand my identity. I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin, and I recollect crying and saying out loud, “I have no idea who I am.” I was in a blank state – a terrifying realization that I didn’t know myself at all. Who was I without the numbing effects of alcohol and drugs? Without the late nights that defined my sense of fun, freedom, and social life? I had spent over a decade of my life partying – drinking and using for companionship & love. The emptiness I felt scared me, but it also presented a new opportunity: a chance to truly meet myself for the first time.
I realized I had to start from scratch, and that started with surrounding myself with a fresh community of people. I had come out of rehab with this exception that sobriety alone would fix everything. I thought once I stopped drinking, the fog would lift and I’d know exactly who I was and where I was going. That, and all the same people, places, and things could remain the same in my life. Fortunately, it was only the beginning of my self-discovery journey.
In the beginning, I couldn’t handle the rawness of my emotions. Sobriety exposed everything I had tried to cover up: feelings of resentment, fear, sadness, self-pity. Trauma from the past (and also had been currently dealing with), I was not willing to confront. There were days when I wished I could run back to the familiar comfort of a drink or drug, but I had hit a moment in rehab, where I had made a promise to god I would do whatever it took to never feel the pain I had in that moment, ever again – and so I did. I knew that going back out would only delay the inevitable – and I was not a slowly progressive addict/alcoholic. I hit the ground running and I don’t hit a point of stopping. I had to face the parts of myself I had been avoiding for so long, but it did not come easy.
It was in this process of deep self-reflection that I learned the importance of self-compassion. At first, I was angry at myself for having lost so much time partying – for not knowing better. But blaming myself only added to the pain. I had to begin treating myself with kindness, and that started with surrounding myself with like-minded people who also lived a sober life. For me, community is everything – I had been seeking for a sense of family throughout my years of drinking, only to have finally found it with people who shared those same experiences and feelings I do. The immense amount of love & support I received is what kept me from going back out.
As I moved further into recovery, I began by asking myself: What do I actually enjoy? What excites me? For years, my sense of fun was tied to blacking out and staying up all night doing drugs. But in sobriety, I had to find new ways that let me experience real joy. I tried this by going back to the things I enjoyed as a kid: writing, art, running, and even going back to college for tv&film production – as film had been a big part of my childhood and always wanted to learn more on how to work in production. This eventually led me to get into UC Berkeley, which now I am majoring in media, and I absolutely love what I get to learn about everyday. I also made a gola list of things I wanted for my future, like going to the gym regularly. This sparked my interest in spontaneously signing up for a Barry’s Bootcamp class, where 200 classes later I had built an amazing community of like minded people, and landed a part-time gig at a front desk position at Rumble. I was able to train and do a virtual marathon during the duration of the COVID shutdown.
This opened up a lot of doors for me, and I finally was able to learn that everyone else my age was not doing the same thing I once was. I had normalized my life using and drinking for so long thinking, “everyone my age has DUIS”, “everyone my age parties and uses”. No, they don’t. Not only did this help with my physical and mental health, but these activities gave me new outlets for creativity, movement, and community, and in doing so, I began to piece together a new version of myself. The fun thing about sobriety is, there is always growth – it never changes. While I may not have all the answers, I’m finally at peace with the uncertainty because I trust the process of self-discovery.
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