It’s been a minute, y’all. Life lately has been a lot, but in the best way! Between a series of weddings (sis got married!), a retreat Yosemite, exploring Oregon, and actually getting out and socializing more, I’ve felt more alive and connected than I have in years. None of this would have happened without sobriety.
Getting out more, and forcing less – has been my biggest lesson this season. When I stopped gripping so tightly to things like finances, content, and timelines, life started to move differently. The less I tried to control what wasn’t meant for me, the more aligned opportunities showed up.
That, along with staying grounded in service to others, acceptance, and trusting my higher power – has opened doors I didn’t expect. In a moment of uncertainty, I took a leap of faith and sent out an application to a position in the tech industry — and it turned into rounds of interviews and a job offer within a week. Benefits package, a healthier salary, and I see a vision of being able to build and grow within the company.
Then came the guilt.
I couldn’t ignore the conflict I felt when I got the offer and realized I’d have to put in my notice. I started asking myself: Why am I feeling guilty about choosing what’s best for me?
That’s when I recognized the pattern that traces back into childhood. Anytime I wanted to put myself first, guilt followed. I’d convince myself my needs weren’t “important,” that it was easier to stay quiet, keep the peace, and make sure everyone else felt okay. I used to mistake that for kindness, but really it was fear – fear of being misunderstood, or seen as selfish.
Here’s the truth: that only builds pressure. It doesn’t go away just because you stay small. Lack of acceptance is what held me back from taking more risks before: risk of rejection, others not ‘following’ the expectations I had set up in my head.. Even sober, underneath it all – I can still acknowledge this just selfish thinking.
At 32, I’ve realized that guilt often masks fear. Fear of change. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of being seen differently. But choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re choosing against anyone else – it just means you’re listening to your own growth.
Before I made my decision, I asked myself: “Am I doing this out of ego or greed?” And the answer was no. I’ve worked too damn hard to get here, and acknowledging the accomplishments and wins is okay! From getting through community college, working multiple jobs, surviving some of the hardest years of my life while earning my degree at a UC. Those experiences built the version of me that’s capable of stepping into something bigger now.
Letting go of how I thought life should look has made space for better things to come in. When I stopped trying to force outcomes, abundance found its way back, and in the most unexpected ways possible.
If you’re feeling guilt around a transition, it’s usually because you care. You’re conscientious about how your actions affect others.
But guilt often shows up when we finally choose ourselves, especially if we’ve spent years prioritizing everyone else first. Choosing to move forward doesn’t make you selfish.
Sometimes guilt is just the residue of outgrowing a space. It’s not proof that you’ve done something wrong, in fact, it’s proof that you cared. But caring doesn’t mean you have to stay. What matters is that you’re moving in a direction that supports your stability, purpose, and long-term vision.
Growth isn’t always comfortable, but it’s always worth it.
Give yourself grace, and start putting yourself in places you never imagined – which is where the transformation happens. I wouldn’t be experiencing half of what I am today if I hadn’t gotten sober, let go of control, and trusted that what’s meant for me will meet me where I’m willing to grow.
So if you’re standing at a crossroads right now, unsure if you’re doing the right thing – maybe you are. Maybe that discomfort you’re feeling isn’t a warning; it’s development.
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